What’s Hot and What’s Knott in Football – Super Bowl LIX

By Rhys Knott

In a monumental blow to all the basement dwellers who firmly believed the National Football League wanted the Chiefs to three-peat the Eagles absolutely crushed them.

We had the first sitting President to attend a Super Bowl (cos, you know, the previous ones were all busy doing work). Super Bowl LIX gave us maximum Ron Tolbert. Rupert Murdoch appeared looking like a confused old man and we were treated to a massive hat.

But the fun didn’t end there. Kendrick Lamar made us all miss our Brat summer a little bit more while Samuel L. Jackson cosplayed Abraham Lincoln. 

Just like he did two years ago in Arizona, Jalen Hurts completely outplayed Patrick Mahomes (only this time Hurts didn’t fumble the ball to Nick Bolton). And while the Chiefs bottled up Saquon Barkley, Andy Reid’s three-quarter-long brainfart meant the Chiefs hung Mahomes out to dry in the face of relentless pressure. 

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What’s Hot in Football – Super Bowl LIX

Two words – Cooper DeJean. The rookie ended the game with three tackles, one pass defended and a pick-six. DeJean became the first defender to score an interception return in a Super Bowl for eight years. It made for a fitting birthday present from the Chiefs’ offense on the Iowa Hawkeye’s birthday! 

Essentially the entire Eagle’s defense makes the hot list. They hit Patrick Mahomes 11 times (square in the face once)! Philly’s defensive front combined for to sack the former MVP six times! Josh Sweat led the way with 2.5. But Milton Williams made two sacks and forced a fumble. He recovered his loose ball from the strip sack himself. If you want a job done properly then do it yourself.

On the lighter side, Lady Gaga and iconic Super Bowl performances go together like red beans and rice. Love or hate her (apparently some people do), just get a load of that hat! 

AC/DC are hot too. Even if the players can’t name any of their songs they still blast it out in the gym. 

Wearing fur definitely isn’t hot. But memorialising your dad who passed away when you were just five months old is. 

Brandon Graham going out on top is definitely hot.

Puppies. Puppies will never not be hot. Jimmy Fallon went for the tried and tested system of puppy prediction to figure out the result. Never work with children and animals, eh Jim? 

But the Puppy Bowl is where the real action is.

What’s Knott in Football – Super Bowl LIX

In what has to be the most tangential thing that’s appeared on these pages all season, and we’ve already covered a big hat today! Tennis players trying to dance is Knott.

Misspelling the name of your team as the Mayor of Philadelphia did recently is absolutely Knott. But look, cupcakes.

Only using your running backs to run the ball when your offensive line is getting dog-walked by the Eagles defensive line is incredibly Knott. The Chiefs’ run game struggled all season. But rookie receiver Xavier Worthy averaged 5.2 yards per carry. The former Longhorn scored three rushing touchdowns in the regular season. Worthy didn’t have a single carry in the Super Bowl!

Kansas City lost Mecole Hardman to injured reserve after 12 games, but on his five carries he averaged 12.4 yards per carry! Failing to replace Hardman’s production with Niko Remigio or even Hollywood Brown seems like a major oversight. It’s most unlike Andy Reid. More importantly it’s very Knott.

When they attempted to run the ball both Isiah Pacheco and Kareem Hunt struggled. The pair combined for 16 yards on 6 carries! Only Samaje Perine enjoyed any success between the tackles. He gained eight yards on his only carry. Patrick Mahomes gained 25 yards on four carries, but none of them were designed runs. Mahomes’ yards came as he ran for his life behind an offensive line that is the most Knott thing you’ll see in Louisiana for some time.

On the subject of things the Chiefs need to change, how about their cultural appropriation? Numerous sports teams from high school to the pros have rebranded away from team names that steal from native people. As the NFL season comes to an end there’s one less thing to steal focus from the grim future America faces. As one new period of mass oppression begins it must surely be time to draw the current one to an end.

Meanwhile, back at the Superdome, 36 bucks for nachos is most definitely Knott, however Super Bowl-y and ultimate they are!

Any Jaguars fan will tell you that Juwaan Taylor is very Knott. He proved that by ending the season as the most penalised player in the entire league!

To be penalised that much in a season when officials have ignored so many penalty offenses. Quarterbacks having their facemasks grabbed or just plain smacked seems to be very difficult for officials to see. Why replay assist can overrule the spot of a ball but not call unnecessary roughness penalties when they are missed is a mystery for the ages. 

And while we’re at it, Ron Tolbert’s crew calling this a penalty and missing a quarterback getting slapped in the mush in the same game is so Knott.

Not to end the season on a total downer, Justin Jefferson being let down by the teleprompter at the NFL Honours Awards is so Knott, but Kay Adams to the rescue.

RHYS KNOTT

NFL/FANTASY FOOTBALL ANALYST

Rhys has been watching the NFL for 30 something years and still hasn’t managed to pick a team to support. When he’s not fixatED on pass rushers you can find him blithering on about most sports on Twitter @wrhys_writes

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