THE TOUCHDOWNS ALL-GALAXY TEAM
With the final Star Wars film, the greatest cinematic saga ever told (no that isn’t up for debate), releasing in just a few days, we (I) thought it would be fun to put together the ultimate “all-galaxy” side. A side that would dominate both sides of the ball for four quarters. You’re welcome.
Quarterback: Poe Dameron
As he becomes more a more irrelevant, the options of Colin Cowherd become more and more absurd. Recently, he’s begun pushing the idea of “Quarterback face”, which started as a joke in an ad for his radio show, and ultimately became a legitimate thing he was talking about.
Taking this into account, is there a more “Quarterback-face” character in Star Wars than Poe Dameron? The guy literally looks like a QB. Leader of Black Squadron, Poe regularly calls audibles that fly in the face of the gameplan. Sometimes they work (blowing up Starkiller Base), and sometimes they don’t (getting basically half the Resistance killed trying to take down a massive ship), but he has all the qualities of an on-field leader.
Running Back and Full Back: BB-8 and R2-D2
What do you look for in a quality running back? The ability to change direction on a dime is usually helpful. Elusiveness and speed tend to be pretty handy too. There isn’t a character in the galaxy better suited to that job than BB-8.
BB-8 is literally a ball. You can’t change direction quicker than a sphere, can you? BB-8 is extremely slippery. The droid managed to carry a map to Luke Skywalker from Jakku to D’Qar without being caught by the First Order once. And BB-8 is quick. Look at the last Rise of Skywalker trailer. Literally leading the Resistance into battle. BB-8 is the obvious choice.
A running back will often rely on space creation to spring themselves free, and who better to open some lanes than R2-D2? The veteran astromech has been through some wars, but its stout build is ideal for ploughing through defenses.
WR: Lando Calrissian, Luke Skywalker, Rose Tico
The top receivers often have a flamboyant swagger about them. They’re good, they know they’re good, and they want you to know that they know they’re good. Lando Calrissian is the epitome of flamboyant. He has a full wardrobe just for capes, for christ sake. The original owner of the Millenium Falcon is just…cool. And he’s extremely good at his job. Leading the charge against Death Star II, and taking it out himself. Stats to back up the ego, baby.
On the other side of the field is the son of the chosen one. Luke Skywalker is a very reliable target, always good for positive yardage, even against the most brutal of opposition. While he doesn’t have the big play ability of Calrissian, Skywalker gets his job done. You can’t ask for much more than that.
Underneath, Rose Tico, a scrappy Resistance engineer-turned-war hero, is there to pick up first downs in short yard situations. The “never say die” attitude of the Resistance’s newest heroine is an underrated quality, and her sneaky speed means she is ideal as a slot receiver. Even if she does frequently run down her Tight End.
Finn isn’t particularly quick. He’s not overly strong. He’s very much a situational player. But, put him that position, and he becomes an incredibly versatile option.
Finn’s career started with him out wide with the First Order’s “Stormtrooper” dynasty. It became apparent very early on he simply wasn’t cut out for the job. However, he found a niche within the Resistance as a pretty reliable check-down option. He needs to curb his overly heroic tendencies if he wants to succeed long term, but the pieces are there.
O-Line: Jabba the Hutt
Jabba the Hutt is massive. Absolutely huge. Not very fast, but opposition defenders cannot, and will not, get past him. Yes, I reckon Jabba the Hutt can play all 5 positions across the offensive line. Easily.
DEFENSive End: Chewbacca, General Grievous
Chewbacca would be nailed on as a Tight End option for most, because of the height and strength of the Wookiee, But he has all the attributes of a monster edge rusher. At 7 and a half foot tall, Chewbacca is built like an absolute warrior. The height is matched by his speed, and get-off. Finally, he’s got some signature moves of his own. Forget a swim move, or a spin move. Chewbacca will literally rip your arms off. Good luck blocking that.
Book ending him is Seperatist leader, General Grievous. Grievous has 4 arms, and also feel that are claws? So that’s pretty handy. He’s also, willingly, turned himself into a droid. Literally the only way he’s picking up an injury is if you make contact with what little organic matter is kept within his chest. And you can’t do that, because it’ll be called as offensive holding. Elite pass rushers.
Defensive Tackle: Reek, Boss Nass
Kind of copped out on this one, but there is size and ferocity here. Reek is that bull thing that Anakin rides around on in Attack of the Clones. Twin it with the size of Boss Nass (the Gungan leader in The Phantom Menace), and you’ve got a real handful for any offensive line. Pockets will collapse. Run games will be stuffed. You love to see it.
Linebacker: Kylo Ren, Darth Maul, Obi-Wan Kenobi
At WILL and SAM, you have Kylo Ren and Darth Maul. Both are students of the dark side, from different generations. Kylo’s approach to defending is far more brutal than most who play the position, however he has a tendency of letting his emotions get the better of him, and causing penalties as a result. Darth Maul is a far more measured option, albeit driven by pure revenge. A lower body injury threatened his career early, however he rebounded magnificently to become the face of absolute rage.
This side’s MIKE is Obi-Wan Kenobi. The Jedi general is a genius, able to dissect and counter anything the opposition throws at him. Not the speediest or most athletic option, but has the brains to outmatch whatever comes his way. A defensive leader. Truly the defensive QB.
Cornerbacks: Jango Fett, Boba Fett, Yoda
Not much to say here. Both Jango and Boba Fett have jetpacks. Why even bother throwing at either of them when they can literally out jump anyone? Pointless. Absolutely pointless. You’d have to do your damage in the slot and over the middle. To that I say: good luck. Yoda might be getting on, but the Jedi master can still dance with the best of them. See his exploits in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. Guy’s jumping all over the place. Probably not able to keep up with most modern receivers, but certainly able to hold his own well enough.
Safeties: Rey, Darth Vader
At Free Safety we have Rey. Rey has come from nowhere to become an absolute star. Once a plucky upstart, she has developed into an absolute hawk, picking off opponents left and right, truly cementing herself as a staple of the Resistance. An impossibly unwavering spirit, and a master in the force well beyond what her peers have achieved, Rey is set for incredible things.
Lining up in Strong Safety is the Imperial enforcer himself. Darth Vader is the embodiment of evil, delivering blow after soul crushing blow to anyone who dares cross him. The safety position hasn’t been this brutal since Kam Chancellor.
Head Coach: Emperor Palpatine
Offensive Coordinator: Admiral Ackbar
Defensive Coordinator: Leia Organa