It's Only A Game! Off The Ball Observations: Week 2
By Rob Ward
There’s a bad week for injuries, and then there’s Week 2. Absolute massacre. NFL locker rooms resemble military hospitals right now. Despite what the rumours would have you believe; your old mate Wardy is not a heartless scoundrel only here to make fun. My thoughts do indeed go out to the players who have had promising seasons cut short… and to Breshad Perriman too. But amidst the wreckage there are some comedy nuggets we can all enjoy. So let’s get to it!
Take Ty's Breath Away
What better place to start than in Los Angeles? The home of Hollywood gave birth to its latest plot twist in the week when it was revealed the Chargers team doctor accidentally punctured Tyrod Taylor’s lung. As we are all aware by now, this led to the debut of Justin Herbert, who looked a million times better than Taylor and very nearly beat the defending Super Bowl champs.
In ‘The Curious Case of Tyrod Taylor’ we mustn’t rule out this doctor being paid off. Sort of like how Michael Jackson’s doctor was paid off to overdose him by Michael Jackson himself, but then everyone kicked off when it actually worked and the doctor copped for it. That last sentence may have to go through the Touchdown’s legal team. Worse still, we could have a ‘Killing Eve’ style case of impersonation; a passionate Chargers fan in scrubs and a facemask getting to work on poor old Tyrod’s breathing apparatus.
My money is on my Touchdown colleague and closet ‘Bolt’ Simon Carroll. Worth noting folks that he allegedly went on a camping trip this weekend, yet there has been no photographic evidence of said trip bar a few shady images of a laptop in a tent showing the NFL. We may need to get Judge Judy in on this one.
What's Wrong With Washington?
Before I start this, let me clarify my position on the Washington name change. I am a huge fan of the decision, it should have happened years ago, and anyone who disagrees is probably a middle-aged white bloke who gets his knickers in a twist over Marcus Rashford, Meghan Markle and a Swedish teenager with Asperger’s Syndrome.
However, we need to stop referring to them in shorthand as The Football Team as it sounds, quite frankly, ridiculous. What’s wrong with just ‘Washington’? I mean ok technically they play in Landover… and I suppose that is in the state of Maryland… come to think of it, why aren’t we going even further with this name change?
The City Of Brotherly Love
Like anyone with a sense of humour I absolutely adored the person on sound control for Philadelphia’s miserable home loss to the Rams, who blasted the boo birds when Wentz threw that pick. Let’s hope the tradition continues if the Eagles pick up a victory this week – we should see simulated riots with cars being overturned, bus stops smashed up and grannies set on fire.
Bad weather season in Florida meant we lost about a quarter of footage from the hugely entertaining Bills – Dolphins game. Rumour is The Jets have made an enquiry as to the availability of hurricanes for this Sunday. Adam Gase is dangling a 2021 second rounder as potential trade compensation. I’ll keep you posted.
No Time For A Tinkle
Like many of you I hugely admire the job Scott Hanson does on Red Zone. But I refuse to believe that man does not take a leak for over six hours. There’s quite clearly a urinal built into his desk. Did you not see him doing the cross legged bent over stance around 10pm Sunday night? That’s a position many blokes are familiar with.
He apparently doesn’t drink water and only dabs his lips with a wet wipe to keep hydrated. Do me a favour! Although if he’s looking for a reusable wet wipe I’d happily let him poach Neil Reynolds from Sky. Only kidding! We love you really Neil…
Andy Reid bee keeper headwear update… he must have taken the magic car spray and window wipers to it between Week’s One and Two, because we were steam free. Good job big man.
Blake Is Back!
The free agent pickup of the week was a beauty. Blake Bortles is back in the NFL! Whoever is the starting guard for Denver needs to reinforce the back of his helmet because if Blake is going down, he’s taking a few linemen with him. Who will ever forget this…
On Sunday Night Football dear old Al Michaels suggested Pats’ defensive end Chase Winovich would make one hell of a bouncer. Really? I thought big dudes with long blonde hair usually went in for underwear modelling or playing Thor at theme parks.
0.0 On The Richter Scale
The big screen at Soldier Field giving it the MAKE SOME NOISE to an empty stadium following a Bears touchdown in Week Two was silly. But I enjoyed it. To be fair, there’s no guarantee there’ll be a Bears TD when fans are allowed back into the stands. Gotta take your opportunities when you can get ’em.
Thursday Night Football saw our second ejection in two weeks for a player putting his hands on an official. Well, technically, Jamie Collins in Week One put his head on an official, but you know what I mean.
This time round the Jaguars’ poor old offensive tackle Cam Robinson finds himself belly up at the bottom of a pile, probably struggling to breath. As it’s being cleared he brushes aside the arm of a zebra and gets the yellow flag. Come on Cam! At least take the arm and put that lousy ref in an armbar or a crossface or something! I thought these were meant to be tough guys?
Shout out to the fantasy anoraks. I woke up like a bear with a sore backside yesterday morning seeing my limp opponent, who I was scheduled to trounce, rejuvenated after trading away his CMC for a package that included Jimmy Robinson in time for Thursday Night Football.
Obviously he went off like Jared Goff (who doesn’t really go off but it does rhyme) and I’m spitting feathers! My Collapsing Pocket Podcast colleague Sam Akroyd would opine that it’s all just a game of luck (he’s never won our poxy eight team league in a decade of playing), but it still stings. Bloody fantasy football. Stick to proper footie I say! Until next week at least…
NFL/Fantasy Football Enthusiast
ROB IS A LOVER OF ALL THINGS 49ERS AND HOST OF THE COLLAPSING POCKET PODCAST IN WHICH HE, SIMON CARROLL AND SAM AKROYD BUTT-FUMBLE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE WORLD OF THE NFL. AWAY FROM SPORT, ROB IS A PROFESSIONAL WRITER AND PERFORMER. HIT HIM UP ON TWITTER @ROBWARDRW!