2023 AWardys

By Rob Ward

The week leading up to the Super Bowl always reminds me of my favourite annual feature on the old Collapsing Pocket podcast. The podcast ran from 2016 until the conclusion of Super Bowl 56 last February. Alongside The Touchdown’s Northerner-In-Chief Simon Carroll and Halifax’s finest curmudgeon (and occasional Touchdown contributor) Sam Akroyd, your old mate Wardy would present an alternate awards show; an event known as the Awardys.

Technically, it should be the Awardies, but it just doesn’t quite pop off the page the same way. Often, Simon Carroll – with his loose grasp of the English language – would refer to them as the Awardy’s, despite the Awardy not owning anything. Whether it’s the Awardys, the Awardies or the Awardy’s, I have decided to keep the tradition going.

Never mind the NFL Honors system with their problematic inbuilt politics; these are the only gongs that count. Here are your 2023 Awardy winners…

The Atlanta Falcons “28-3 Up And You F**ed It Up” Awardy

The Falcons are one of the more disappointing franchises in NFL history, but they are canonised by the Awardy committee for their extraordinary ability to blow a big lead after a hot start.

The Awardy goes to…

Indianapolis Colts for their week 15 defeat to the Vikings

The greatest comeback in NFL history means the greatest choke job in NFL history. Never mind 28-3, how about 33-0 up and you f**ed it up? If that is the final game of Matt Ryan’s career, what a way to go out. The penthouse at Awardy Towers will be named in his honour. 

Others receiving votes… this was the most competitive category at this year’s Awardys. How about the Las Vegas Raiders? They lost games in both Jacksonville and Kansas City despite having a 17-point advantage, but their finest hour came right at the start of the season when they blew a 20-point lead against the crappy Cardinals in Week 2… The Tennessee Titans raced out to a 7-3 start before losing ten straight games to miss the playoffs, the New York Jets weren’t far behind them at 7-4 before blowing it. There may never be a stronger field in this category.

The Trent Richardson Awardy for Biggest Premature Draft Bust

A controversial one this. It’s not every year we get an Isiah Wilson or JeMarcus Russell, often it’s hard to nail down a sure-fire bust. But that’s why we’re paid the big bucks. It’s the underappreciated awardy. It’s the equivalent of the early Oscar handouts – Best Death Scene in a Vietnam War Movie – when the A-Listers seated in the stalls make their way to the bar to be replaced by paid extras, maintaining the illusion the auditorium is full.

The Awardy goes to…

Treylon Burks, Tennessee Titans

Harsh? Maybe. Any fucks given? Zero. Tennessee decided they’d rather not pay a very good player very good money, so punted on a rookie. There were some questions about Burks coming out of college and he did little on the field to reassure Titans’ fans that they hadn’t made one of the all-time worst NFL trades.

Other’s receiving votes… the Saints traded up for Trevor Penning so the spotlight intensifies. He was injured for the first two months of the season but only started one game since his return. Don’t be surprised if this one heads south (equally, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t) … did the Texans take the wrong corner in Derek Stingley when Sauce was sat there? Similarly, eyebrows are raised on offensive lineman Kenyon Green, who struggled all year… you can’t really be a bust in the third round, but I’m not sure what Bears’ 55-year-old Velus Jones is good for.

The Josh Norman Awardy for Top Shithousery

The colourful cornerback had, in many ways, a rather truncated career in the NFL. No one had heard of him until the Panthers’ 2015 run to the Super Bowl, then he took the money and moved to the capital and, after a decent first season, became a bit of an NFL afterthought. But the fact he has an Awardy named after him says something about the high levels of shithousery he was able to reach in that brief but beautiful period.

The Awardy goes to…

Jaire Alexander (Green Bay Packer) for doing the Griddy in Justin Jefferson’s face

Sometimes it’s the small, fleeting gestures that can grab the attention of the Awardy Committee. In the crucial Week 17 matchup between the Vikings and Packers, Jaire Alexander backed up a week of smack talk with a shutdown performance on the league’s best receiver (1 catch for 15 yards) by busting out the dance that made JJ famous.

Others receiving votes… staying in Lambeau, I enjoyed Sauce Gardner grabbing a cheesehead and parading it around before heading into the tunnel after the Jets Week 6… Tom Brady is (finally) bowing out the GOAT and he fancied a crack at one last accolade in his final game of football, throwing a slide tackle on Cowboys’ Malik Hooker that cost him $16K… Kayvon Thibodeaux claiming he’d never heard of Jeff Saturday. He wasn’t the only one.

The Chad Kelly Awardy for Chump Of The Year

Chad Kelly may be the greatest player to grace an NFL roster without making an appearance that you’ve never heard of, but that hasn’t stopped the Awardy Committee from recognising his genius. The nephew of Buffalo Bills’ legend Jim, Chad was a QB prospect rising up the Broncos’ depth chart… (I think he was rising up the depth chart) … until one fateful evening in the Mile High City. We’ve all been there; you’re kicked out of Vonn Miller’s Halloween house party after a few too many rum and cokes, the next thing you’re breaking into a stranger’s house, chatting rubbish to said stranger and passing out on their sofa. Oh, and you’re dressed as a cowboy at the time. It is Halloween after all!

The Awardy goes to…

Jim Irsay, Indianapolis Colts

It’s turning into a big night for the Colts, an Awardy juggernaut in the mould of Titanic at the 1998 Oscars ceremony. It’s pretty easy to hate on the Irsays, but… actually, that’s the end of the sentence. It’s pretty easy to hate on the Irsays. So, let’s pile in. The outspoken, intrusive owner of the Indianapolis Colts made the mother of all interventions in November when he sacked Frank Reich, one of the more respected coaches in the league. Not content to end the chaos there, he replaced the recently appointed Panthers Head Coach with Peyton Manning’s former center Jeff Saturday, a man about as qualified to run a locker room as Donald Trump was to run a White House. Irsay has flirted with this award in the past, so consider this his Scorcese The Departed moment.

Others receiving votes… though he wasn’t an NFL player in 2022, Georgia QB Stetson Bennett’s arrest for knocking on random front doors whilst boozed up at 6am is worth a mention, particularly as the incident has the hallmarks of Kelly’s 2018 moment of madness… It took one game of his head coaching career for Nathaniel Hackett to realise he didn’t know what a clock was; it took the Broncos only three more months to realise he didn’t know much else… Russell Wilson apparently did three hours of high knees on the plane to London. Why, no one is quite sure…

The Mark Sanchez Awardy for ‘WTF Just Happened?’

The Butt Fumble celebrated its tenth anniversary this year and it is the job of the Awardy committee to find an honourable successor to this iconic moment year in, year out.

The Awardy goes to…

Chandler Jones Fumble Return vs Patriots in Week 15

A second gong for the Raiders, who are running the Colts close for dominance. This may also have been the moment that clinched me a fantasy title, but rest assured the Awardy Committee are impervious to such outside influence. The decision taken by Rhamondre Stevenson to lateral in a situation when the Pats were tied, in possession of the ball and heading into OT was strange enough. The fact Jacobi Meyers doubled down and chucked the ball back towards his own endzone even stranger. That it led to former Patriot Chandler Jones saying, “thank you very much and good night”, totally bonkers. After years of hard coaching and allowing the opposition to defeat themselves, this was an extraordinary moment for the Bill’s boys.

Others receiving votes… Buffalo offensive coordinator and hard man Ken Dorsey proving he’s not to be messed with, showing a ream of paper and an iPad who is boss after the Bills failed to get their 4th down play off in Week 3 defeat to the Dolphins… Treylon Burks may have struggled, but he did pounce on an offensive fumble in the endzone to score his first career TD in some glorious chaos against the Bengals in Week 12. Burks is pulling an Al Pacino Best Actor-Best Supporting Actor double header, being nominated for two gongs in the same year…. How about Kirk ‘Drip’ Cousins and his topless dancing on the plane back from Washington? Be honest, you weren’t expecting the Captain to be that ripped!  

Least Valuable Player

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you. Mahomes is good, Burrow is good, Allen is good… boring! This is the most prestigious Awardy of the evening and is presented by former LVP Johnny Manziel.

The Awardy goes to…

Russell Wilson, Denver Broncos

Insert the GIF of the Wilson volleyball slowly drifting away from Tom Hanks and use it as a clumsy metaphor for the quarterback’s career or the Broncos immediate future. We’ve seen quarterbacks fall off the cliff edge in recent years; Peyton in 2015, Big Ben in 2021, Matt Ryan this past year. But Wilson was supposed to have years left in him, hence the Broncos sending a first and second rounder for 2022 and 2023 (and more) to acquire his services. Remember the relentless #LetRussCook narrative? The giddy excitement of Nathaniel Hackett squealing “come on y’all. Russell Wilson! Holy shit!” at the opening press conference? The endless social media posts in various stages of undress?

Wilson stunk and is the rightful winner of the high profile Awardy because, unlike other LVP contenders, Wilson has set the franchise back for years to come. It’ll take all the shithousery that incoming Head Coach Sean Payton can muster to get them out of this hole. 

Others receiving votes… The Jets make the playoffs with a quarterback not named Zach Wilson, but sadly that’s the QB they had… slight projection this one, but if DeShaun Watson continues to play as poorly as he did in the final third of the season then Cleveland will have dragged their name through the mud for no reason…. Matt Ryan completes an excellent Awardy ceremony for the Colts with a mention here as another former MVP who collapsed before our eyes.

Rob Ward

ROB WARD

NFL/Fantasy Football Enthusiast

ROB IS A LOVER OF ALL THINGS 49ERS AND HOST OF THE COLLAPSING POCKET PODCAST IN WHICH HE, SIMON CARROLL AND SAM AKROYD BUTT-FUMBLE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE WORLD OF THE NFL. AWAY FROM SPORT, ROB IS A PROFESSIONAL WRITER AND PERFORMER. HIT HIM UP ON TWITTER @ROBWARDRW!

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