Wardy's NFL Wordy - Season Preview, Part 1: The AFC

By Rob Ward

Safe to say something that is rarely said in the NFL; it’s tough being a Steelers fan right now.

Seasons of elite mediocrity have left the black and gold (although it’s always struck me as yellow) in the middle of the draft and treading water. They are now five seasons without a franchise quarterback, and they keep trading away promising young players to the Dallas Cowboys, Joey Porter Jr. being the most recent and most painful example of this.

During Thursday night’s dispiriting loss to the rival Cleveland Browns, the disquiet behind the scenes made itself very vocal on the field. Aaron Rodgers exchanging expletives with coach Mike McCarthy, like the couple who got back together because no one else would have them, and T.J. Watt barking crap up to his DC in the coordinator booth. All this while Mike Tomlin shows off his boutique hotels and fancy toilets on Minecraft. What a time to be alive.

The barking matches between players and coaches got me thinking about every other team in the league. Which volatile characters would be centre stage in their own David Mamet play?

The Week 4 preview focuses on the combustible pairings inside every NFL franchise.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ WASHINGTON COMMANDERS

A tough opener this week, as it’s hard enough to pluck up the effort to think about these two teams right now, let alone pick out the explosive duos. After an injury to the Washington franchise man, keep your eye on Jayden Daniels mum, who may well follow up her fiery introduction to the world on Netflix’s Quarterback, by going back in on Dan Quinn. Another woman not to be messed with is Colts owner Carly Irsay Gordon. Frequently spotted with a clipboard and headset on the sidelines, she’ll be coming for GM Chris Ballard, a man whose charmed life to date may be about to lose its charm.

DALLAS COWBOYS @ HOUSTON TEXANS

George Pickens thinks he is an elite wide receiver. CeeDee Lamb is an elite wide receiver. So far this year, Lamb has double Pickens yards and three touchdowns to the former Pittsburgh man’s zero. Arguably the best wide receiver tandem in the league? Expect the Shawn Michaels superkick that sends Marty Jannetty flying through the barbershop window soon. During the doomed final years of the Houston Oilers, DC Buddy Ryan (Rex and Rob’s old man) and OC Kevin Gilbride (no famous offspring) exchanged fists on the sideline, as tensions between the two sides of the ball collided. Fast forward 30 years, these Houstonians may be going down a similar path. Excited at the prospect of Matt Burke v Nick Caley? You’d have to pick them out of a lineup first.

NEW YORK JETS @ CHICAGO BEARS

Well let’s be honest, Ben Johnson looks like he could kill anyone at any point. But his rage is nothing compared to that of fantasy managers who drafted Colston Loveland in the 3rd/4th round turn. Johnson may have met his match. Geno’s last stint in New York ended with a teammate’s fist breaking his jaw, so he has previous. Back then it was IK Enemkpali, an NPC defensive end from the bottom of the roster, so that’s logically where Geno might turn for revenge. Beware Kingsley Jonathan.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ BUFFALO BILLS

It’s a land of milk and honey in Western New York heading into this big AFC East clash. The Bills did their best to hand the Chargers the game last week and still won. The greatest scrap is still likely to be taking place between two fans and a table during the tailgate. Very different in Foxboro right now. Emotional times. Drake Maye was either holding back tears or full-on weeping, depending on your interpretation, during last week’s defeat to the Jags. With the garbage chute of shit Mike Vrable has brought upon himself over the last 6 months, you wonder at what point he stops playing caring fatherly figure and starts kicking ass. Still, nothing in that building will take a beating quite like Robert Kraft’s little patriot in a Florida massage parlour.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS

Liam Coen showed himself to be feisty little so-and-so when he took it to the Big Dog Bob Saleh in San Francisco last autumn. It’s always the little dogs that yap loudest. The Jags are of course owned by the Khan family who (you may have heard) own wrestling company AEW, with Tony Khan as booker. It’s not quite the Mega Powers implode, but Coen v Khan is a story that should get bums on seats. For Cincy, is anyone convinced by the Joe Burrow Zach Taylor marriage? Not me. Now we won’t get a full-on scrap here, more like a series of coded statements from Burrow whilst playing Debussy. Zach Taylor may well respond, but – now in his ninth season – I still couldn’t tell you what he sounds like.

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ NEW YORK GIANTS

Marvin Harrison Jr. Remember him? He was the most exciting wide receiver prospect to come out of college since Ja’Marr Chase and he was going to become the greatest NFL wide receiver since his dad. What’s that you say? He’s still playing? Oh, wow. How’s he getting on? Oh… Are we ever gonna hear MHJ’s wheel squeak about his lack of involvement in Arizona? The Giants’ signing of J.J. McCarthy sets us up for an all-time QB battle between the ex-Viking self-proclaimed “9” and the ex-every-team-in-the-league modern day MLK, Jameis Winston.

TENNESSEE TITANS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS

Robert Saleh and Brian Dabol feel like an HC-DC pairing ready to explode. You know Dabol feels hard done by with his time in New York and wants one more crack at a big chair. But with the Titans as the prize, and given the follicular challenges of both men, I’m reminded of the ancient fable about two bald men fighting over a comb. The Ravens are one of the NFL’s best run franchises – you may have heard – and they do well at keeping a lid on dissent. But having lost Tyler Linderbaum to free agency, and both replacement centers to long term injury, they may have to make a trade to keep Lamar Jackson from kicking off.

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Take your pick with the Eagles. Nick Ciriani vs Jalen Hurts. Nick Ciriani vs The Fans. Big Dom vs the Philadelphia District Attorney. There’s a lot of big male energy in Los Angeles; Aaron Donald, Myles Garrett, Sean McVay. But it’s the Hawaiian surfer dude that is the most likely candidate to cause a rupture. Puka Nacua is showing Antonio Brown tinted red flags at this stage of his career, putting him on a collision cause with McVay and Rams management.

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

It’s getting late early besides both the sweltering Bay of Tampa and the frozen Bay of Green. Perfect breeding grounds for conflict. Baker is surely due a blow up soon. I have him taking aim at his surprisingly inept offensive line, before coming back round to finish off Todd Bowles head coaching career. As demonstrated by Al Michaels and Kirk Herbstreit’s DeShaun Watson observations on Thursday night, I don’t have much faith in a lot of American sportsmen to stand up for abused women. But hurt the team!? Eternal damnation. Expect Josh Jacobs to eat shit for the latter more than the former. Sigh.

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS

The Brian Flores revenge game. The revenge game of all revenge games! I know my task this week is to focus on internal strife, but for this one I’m breaking my own rules. I’m expecting a blitz from the Vikings defense that would make the Luftwaffe blush. The Vikings D/ST may be the highest scoring play in fantasy this week. I fear for Malik Willis, who could be the ultimate fall guy in this feud, and I fear for the 2nd and 3rd choice QB too. I want Flores snarling up at his former boss turned arch-nemesis Stephen M. Ross in the posh seats. Sack me once? Shame on you. Sack your quarterback fifteen times? Victory for me.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ LAS VEGAS RAIDERS

Prepare yourselves for the mother of all showbiz scandals, when it emerges that Taylor Swift has been engaged in a Rossini-Vrabel style stolen moments in Missouri mud huts affair with… Chiefs head coach Andy Reid. The Raiders are a franchise built on Al Davis’s lust for conflict and, as Richard E. Grant may be about to find out to his determent on Celebrity Traitors, sometimes the most obvious play is the right one. Having once benefited from Spygate, Tom Brady is now moving onto Spytek, with his big botoxed doll’s face directed firmly at the Raiders’ General Manager.

DENVER BRONCOS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

Surely the time has come for Kyle Shanahan to turn to the 49ers physios and medical staff and bellow the ultimate Bill Belichick mantra “do you f’ing jobs!” Better still, with Jed York in a weakened position right now, the head coach might grab control of the entire franchise and move the training facilities away from the powerplant/Indian burial ground that is apparently at the heart of all their problems. In Denver, the simmering tensions between Sean Payton and his OC/protégé David Webb is a weekly soap opera. The master vs student is one of Hollywood’s favourite storylines, expect Payton’s J.K. Simmons to start throwing drumsticks at Webb’s Miles Teller in a Denver Whiplash.

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

It’s all a bit boringly successful in Seattle. Everyone seems to love each other. The most interesting question they have right now regards the running back room. A current three-headed beast is soon to spout a new noggin in the shape of Zach Charbonnet. Perhaps a Hunger Games style contest to crown the lead back? The Chargers wish that was the extent to their problems. This whole thing is a mess. Mike McDaniel has gone from being Jim Harbaugh’s slightly erratic but loveable rescue dog, to the thorn in his owner’s side. Harbaugh may give off slightly creepy uncle vibes, but he’s got that old school field marshal in him. I don’t think McDaniel is long for this world.

DETROIT LIONS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS

I’m proud of Dan Campbell for showing that real men can cry following their Week 2 loss in Buffalo, but I do worry about where he is at right now. Detroit hasn’t been able to defend since the dawn of time and 2026 has started in similar fashion. Campbell came for his OC John Morton last year; DC Kelvin Shepard may well be in his sights this winter. The Panthers seem harmonious as things stand, but get a beer down owner David Tepper and all bets are off.

ATLANTA FALCONS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

A fitting way to wrap up this write up, with two teams who absolutely loathe each other. I can see a Travis Etienne blow up coming soon, the man did not make the move to the Big Easy to sit behind a 93-year-old Alvin Kamara and some bloke called Kendre Miller. Head coach Kellen Moore doesn’t strike you as a natural grappler, that one could be a no contest. I would say the same of Kyle Pitts, who appears to be the seventh-choice receiver in Atlanta, but I just don’t think he cares that much. If I was Bijan Robinson, however, I might contemplate a Tonya Harding style upending of my fellow Robinson Brian. This isn’t Arthur Smith’s offense anymore.  I’ve got rushing titles, short term and maybe even long term, in mind.

ROB WARD

NFL/Fantasy Football Enthusiast

ROB IS A LOVER OF ALL THINGS 49ERS AND HOST OF THE COLLAPSING POCKET PODCAST IN WHICH HE, SIMON CARROLL AND SAM AKROYD BUTT-FUMBLE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE WORLD OF THE NFL. AWAY FROM SPORT, ROB IS A PROFESSIONAL WRITER AND PERFORMER. HIT HIM UP ON TWITTER @TDWARDY!

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