It's Only A Game! Off The Ball Observations: Week 3
By Rob Ward
Your old mate Wardy returns with his weekly dose of mirth, as week 3 in the NFL fades into memory and the season quartermark rapidly approaches…
Philly Fall Flat in OT
There’s only one place to start this week of course, and that’s in the city of Brotherly Love. Oh Philly! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse than sneaking an overtime field goal victory over the worst team in football last year, you then decide it could indeed get worse…
Let’s take a penalty, move ourselves out of field goal range and settle for the tie. Carson Wentz and Dougy P have never been more grateful for Covid; if Eagles fans are willing to boo Santa Claus can you imagine what the almighty din would have been like on Sunday afternoon? It never rains but it pours.
General note, don’t you just love the modern day cliches that gets spouted on NFL Twitter. How about the classic “Don’t @ me” after a comment they believe to be more contentious than it actually is. Or my personal favourite, the laying down of the gauntlet with a lukewarm take and signing off with “I’ll wait”. Well, let’s give it a go:
Name a worse football team with an avian nickname than the Eagles and maybe the Falcons. I’ll wait…
Metcalf Brain Fart
How about DK Metcalf doing a Wardy in Week 3? Trotting into the endzone full of himself, only to have the ball punched out of his hands by rookie Trevon Diggs before the TD was confirmed. Forget the Russel Wilson superlatives, this was easily the most entertaining moment at Century Link Field on Sunday.
I suppose with the empty stands Metcalf could use the ‘if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it actually make a sound?’ argument. Er, yeah DK. Yeah it does. And in your case, a sound not too dissimilar to the famous Beastquake this stadium once saw. This awesome fail was comforting knowledge for us fans who may have put a few pounds on over lockdown; you can have the lowest BMI in the whole league and still look a pudding.
Athletic Phenom
When I’m having a bad day in future I’m going to watch reruns of Kalen Ballage’s attempt hurdle over and over and over again.
Expensive Protest
Following closely on from that of course was Pete Carroll’s decision to repeatedly wear his face mask like a chin strap, despite being on the receiving end of a $100,000 fine for doing so the previous week.
He’s always struck me as a pretty cool guy has Pete, what with his fist pumping every time the Seahawks gain 2 yards. So I can’t imagine he’s auditioning for poster boy for the angry “it is my human right not to wear a mask” brigade. Perhaps he was hoping NFL officials were all distracted by Metcalf’s antics too. Dozy get.
Still Waiting…
Hey Arnold!
When the Cardinals tight end Dan Arnold made his one reception against the Lions did anyone else call out ‘Hey Arnold!’? No? Just me then.
Free The Feet
Following his kicking woes of Week 1 Steven Gostkowski has been mustard. The secret was revealed this week. He no longer wears socks! With that ‘The Ghost’ joins an elite list of sockless performers that includes Zola Budd and Sandie Shaw.
First World Problems
Insensitive social media post of the week goes to Eric Ebron who, amidst an outbreak of the ‘rona, was kicking off that he wasn’t gonna be able to play pass the parcel at his son’s birthday. I can only imagine him having a tantrum when the music stopped and he’s empty handed – much like whenever he was targeted in the endzone during his time in Detroit.
Short And Sweet
A shot of the stands of Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis revealed the Colts have a banner that reads Peyton Manning 1998-2011. I didn’t realise he was a) that young and b) dead.
STILL Waiting…
Slick Stick
When the Chargers backup to Justin Herbert (the one without the punctured lung) took to the field for one snap, it was the baptism for perhaps the greatest of all ridiculous NFL names. Arise, Sir Eastern Stick…
Now my Touchdown and Collapsing Pocket Podcast colleague Simon Carroll was quick to piss on my bonfire by correcting it to Easton and not Eastern, but still – The Beast From The East is without doubt one to keep an eye out for.
Progress
Call me an awful quinoa eating, peppermint tea drinking lefty snowflake, but I thought it was great seeing history made in the NFL this week. The game between the Cleveland Browns and the Washington Football Team became the first in history to feature female coaches on opposing sidelines, as well as a female official.
In a world of Trump, Boris, and angry white men who think all Muslim cricketers should be happy to be soaked in beer for sheer sport, it’s nice to know progress is still happening out there.
And Finally...
One more for the anoraks! During the Sunday Night Showdown between the Seahawks and Cowboys, the collective growl of Cooper, Gallup and Lamb owners when some no mark called Cedric Wilson scored two touchdowns was so loud I’m convinced Mike McCarthy could hear it up in the Pacific North West. Don’t ever do that to us again Mike or I’ll swap your private masseuse’s massage oil for something far more sinister.
Given up waiting now which means I win the argument. Don’t @ me!
ROB WARD
NFL/Fantasy Football Enthusiast
ROB IS A LOVER OF ALL THINGS 49ERS AND HOST OF THE COLLAPSING POCKET PODCAST IN WHICH HE, SIMON CARROLL AND SAM AKROYD BUTT-FUMBLE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE WORLD OF THE NFL. AWAY FROM SPORT, ROB IS A PROFESSIONAL WRITER AND PERFORMER. HIT HIM UP ON TWITTER @ROBWARDRW!